10 Things No One Tells You About Newborns
As I write this, I am just coming off of another all-nighter and quite concerned that whatever comes out of this blog post will be an incoherent mess. I can count the number of hours I’ve slept in the last couple of days on one hand, thanks to my new little bundle of joy. With a new baby around, you expect the sleepless nights, the endless dirty diapers, the incessant crying (sometimes the baby will cry too). But that doesn’t really begin to describe what raising a newborn is really like.
- Sleep when the baby sleeps is baloney
You hear it all the time. You will whine about how tired and sleep deprived you are, and someone will always give you the wonderful advice of “sleep when the baby sleeps.” That is the perfect plan if the baby is the only child you have. But try that with multiple children. Especially a toddler. Within two seconds of me closing my eyes for a quick nap, this will usually result in toys being shoved into my mouth, something getting broken, or the beautiful sounds of “Mom! Mom?? Mom!!” WHAT?? “Hi, mom!” So, yeah. Naps are out.
- You will find yourself looking up weird things on the Internet
Some of my recent searches include: “Why does my baby sound like a gremlin?” ”Is it normal for baby to fart so much?” “Reflexology poop massage” (don’t ask). If my computer was ever seized and my searches uncovered, it would be quite entertaining for the reader.
- Eating every 2-3 hours does not guarantee there will be actual sleeping in between
My son sleeps so wonderfully during the day in between his feedings. He usually sleeps right up until the 2nd or 3rd hour on the dot and then stirs just enough to let us know he’s hungry. He eats, burps, then goes back to sleep. Perfect. However, as soon as the sun sets and night falls, there is no sleeping between the feeds. He grunts, groans, farts, and cries. And sometimes stares blankly into the great unknown. But he doesn’t do much sleeping. Until about 7 in the morning. He suddenly goes from Spazzy McGee to sweet, peaceful, sleeping baby again once the sun rises. Why? Because he might just secretly hate me.
- Babies aren’t always so cute
Of course you will find your baby absolutely adorable no matter what. But truthfully, babies have their issues. They can be hairy in weird places. Their skin will often be flaky. Oh, and let’s not forget the crossed, rolling eyes for several weeks that can’t yet focus. And my son can make some very unattractive faces when he’s fussy (my husband calls it the “bitter beer face.”)
- Your nice, new bassinet may never get used
None of my children ever liked sleeping in a bassinet until they were almost too big for it. My newest son has kept with this tradition. As soon as I put him down, immediate fussing begins. It might have something to do with the hard mattresses that probably feel like sleeping on concrete. Can’t say I blame them.
- Babies like to toy with you
From pooping right after you change their diapers to crying bloody murder for food and then falling back asleep just as you get their bottle ready, these little guys have a twisted sense of humor.
- The poops and vomits are explosive
It can be quite disturbing. There are just no words.
- Your laundry will be never ending
See number 7.
- You will become the most paranoid person on the planet
When newborns are actually peaceful and sleeping, they can be so still it’s scary. I have put my finger under noses to see if I could feel air coming out. I’ve stared at their chests obsessively looking to see up and down movement. I’ve even given a poke or two to my sweet, sleeping angels. Which usually wakes them up. Crap!
- No matter what your newborn does, you can’t be upset with them
Yes, it is frustrating and absolutely maddening at times. Babies are needy and exhausting. But somehow, as I’ve done with all of my children, I still look at my son and think how lucky I am to have him. And then I cry because it’s now 7 am., the baby has yet again gone to sleep after staying up all night, my toddler is calling, and it’s time to get the 8 year old up for school.
Thankfully, I have a very supportive spouse who gives me much-needed breaks and keeps me sane through this. And for those off duty moments, I’d like to give an honorable mention to wine. Wine also helps. Thank you both.
