And Baby Makes 5: Finding Balance

I woke up early this morning in a cold sweat and it hit me. Today, I am 30 weeks pregnant. In a matter of weeks, our lives will be completely turned upside down again and everything will change. Forever.

I tossed and turned and tried to go back to sleep, but I was filled with all of these emotions. Excitement, fear, uncertainty. I’m going to be a mother of 3! We are moving from man-to-man to zone defense. Outnumbered. My mind is racing and filled with the “what ifs.”

What if I can’t give my children all the love and attention they need? With my oldest daughter, I was worried about how she would take going from being an only child for 6 and a half years to now having to share me with a new baby brother. Getting divorced so early in her life, it was just the two of us for so long. She had my undivided attention. She was the center of my universe. And now another child would be sharing that universe. It would just be different. I think I was more saddened and upset about it than she was. But different turned out to be so amazingly wonderful as our family welcomed baby number 2. And while my time was divided, I had more love to give than I thought I was capable of.

Now, I’m going through the same thing with my 2-year-old son. He’s still so young and needy. He’s my baby. My miracle baby. He calls my name a billion times a day and hates when my attention is diverted. How will he take no longer being the youngest? Will he feel neglected by being the middle child? Will I still have time to dote on him and a new baby? Will I even feel like it?

And now we have baby number 3 coming. I love staring at my newborns for hours. Holding them even while they sleep and I should be resting. I gaze in amazement at these new little lives that actually came from me. But my next one will never know that quiet, uninterrupted time. The age gap this time will only be 2 years between he and his brother. And I will now be dividing my time between two other children. There will be homework and mommy “read to me”, “mom can I paint your nails?” Mom, mom, mom! I know this new little one and I will bond and share our special times together, but I’m sure it will be mixed with a little guilt as I try to make myself available to his siblings.

And then I wonder, what if my relationship with dad gets lost in the shuffle. When our son was born, the first 4 months or so was rough! We were both sleep deprived, cranky and short tempered. Dad was new to all this. He wasn’t used to a baby that cried for no reason, needed to be fed every 2 hours, produced explosive poops and projectile spit-ups (due to acid reflux). And it had been years since I went down this road.

I was also recovering from months of bed rest from a complicated pregnancy, a C-Section and struggling to breastfeed a kid who seemed to hate my boobs. Our patience for each other was low and our alone time was now non-existent. And romance? Well, that became quick, stolen moments while baby was sleeping with the monitor always close by. And as my husband often put it: “I didn’t seem all that excited about the project”. I was tired and a wreck, so that shouldn’t have been a surprise.

Of course, our love for each other never wavered but our time and attention was on our children. We became strangers passing in the night for a while and I really missed my husband during that time. I know we will experience that again, especially with a toddler in the mix. But 4-5 months of chaos is worth the permanent joy that this new life will bring. And I think we will be more prepared for it this time (hopefully).

Last week, as I shopped for groceries, I had another panicky thought. What if I can’t handle all three children by myself out in public? I realize that mothers have been doing this juggling act since the beginning of time and I am just as capable. But my son likes to grab things and knock bread off shelves. And he’s in a cart! Now I’m going to have the baby taking his place and he will be running free to cause all kinds of havoc! I don’t want to be that mother dragging toddlers through aisles, while baby is crying in the car seat and the other kid is wandering aimlessly through the store. Or at the park. Or the doctor’s office. That’s it. I’m just going to become a shut-in until they are all over the age of 2.

Even with all my worries and concerns, I know that I will get through this. I can do this. And there are things I look forward to as well. I dreamed about having noise and chaos and kids running around when I pictured my future family. This is what I wanted. I am excited at what going from a family of four to a party of five will be like. My daughter will now have two little brothers to boss around (and who will still ignore her). My boys will be close in age, which means perfect playmates. Christmas and birthdays will be all the louder and more fun.

My heart grows bigger with each child and despite my fears, I have more than enough love to give. But I will continue to struggle with balancing everyone’s needs (including mine). Oh, yeah. I forgot about me! My time will be interrupted. My sleep disrupted. My hair gets grayer with each new kid. But it’s worth it. So very worth it.

And my husband and I will have to make time for each other in between the madness. Because we are not just parents, but we are partners to each other. I don’t want us to look at each other when the kids are grown and think, “What do we do now?” However, if for some crazy reason we didn’t work out, he takes the kids. It’s my parting gift to him. Then I’d have to start a new blog. Wild and single in Houston. Ok, more honestly, the Single Introvert in Houston. Who am I kidding? They’d all be lost without me and come tracking me down. I’d definitely have to move.