Are You There God? It’s Me

Have you ever had one of those days or weeks or months were everything seemed to be going wrong? You were scared to answer the phone or open the mail because it was all bad news? Where you finally reached your breaking point and you just wanted to scream or run away? This has been one of those weeks.

When times are tough, I tend to lean on my faith. But much too frequently it’s as a last resort. I’ll give God a “thanks for getting me through that” or a “where were you when I needed you?” But I often forget to ask for direction in the middle of a storm.

Right now, I’m asking God, “what should I do?” “How should I proceed?” “What’s best for my family?” And you know what I get? Nothing. I don’t get it really. I’m doing the whole “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths” thing. And it ain’t working.

Where’s my burning bush? Where’s my angel who appears to me in the middle of the night and tells me exactly what to do and how to handle life? God doesn’t seem to work like that anymore and it’s got me bummed. Folks will say “that’s what the bible is for. We don’t need any of those extreme measures anymore.” Well, I do ok? You hear me, God? I do! Knock me off a horse like you did to Saul. Give me a vision. I don’t have time to be deciphering coded biblical messages!

So when all else fails, I refer to the “Be still and know that I am God” methodology. Ok, maybe I just need quiet. Maybe that’s when I’ll get my big revelation. And still…nothing.

So you thought this was going to be one of those, “I figured it all out at the end, now let me show you how God spoke to me” blogs? Nope. I’m still waiting for an answer. I’m still looking for that elusive sign from the heavens. Because frankly, I don’t know how any of this works.

But you know what’s hard during times of confusion? Being a mom and trying to act like I’ve got it all together. I apparently wasn’t doing the best job of hiding what a mess I was because my 10 year-old daughter left me a note. Part of it read: Mom, we live through hard times and sometimes you need a break.

And you know what? It didn’t fix anything, but it made me feel better. It gave me permission to be human and weak, even in front of my children. And it reminded me that I had a lot of people who cared about me and I’m never really alone, even when it feels like it.

I’m still waiting for some kind of hint or clue. I’m still kinda, sorta irritated with God. And I’m going to be really annoyed if my decision making turns out wrong. But maybe I just have to trust that it will all work out in the end. Maybe that message from my daughter was really what I needed. We live through hard times. We don’t avoid or bypass them. We don’t let them destroy us. We live through them.

Perhaps I just need to get through it the best I can without fully understanding it all. I’ve been through a lot worse and I’m still standing. It will get better and it won’t last forever. In the meantime, I’ll be outside in my yard waiting for a bush to start burning. I haven’t given up on the blatant messages yet.

Featured Image Credit: Giuseppe Milo