Funny Stuff My Daughter Says
There’s something about the unfiltered and still maturing brain that can bring out the most interesting of thoughts and observations from a child. My daughter is no exception. Over the years, her questions, quotes, and unintentional insults have kept me laughing, at times offended and sometimes downright puzzled. I decided to take a trip down memory lane and preserve these little gems for posterity’s sake. Some I’ve retrieved from my Facebook postings. Others from memory. Enjoy.
Ant discussion (2012):
Daughter: If you tell ants to stop crawling around, will they listen?
Me: No, honey. They don’t understand what you’re saying.
Daughter: Oh. So, they speak Spanish?
When I was pregnant with my second child (2012):
Daughter: Look at that big belly drooping down! What are you gonna do if it explodes?!?
Halloween (2011):
Daughter: A pencil? No, she did not just give me a pencil! I want candy!!
I hurt myself doing some heavy lifting and woke up moving slow and feeling sore (2010):
Me: Man, I feel old.
Daughter: So are you gonna throw yourself away?
(I don’t think I want her in charge of my care when I’m elderly.)
She face planted into the dirt as she was coming out of school. She had a skinned knee and a scrape on her chin. I gently bandaged her up when we got home (2014):
Daughter: I wish Papa was home. He would have handled it like a man.
Me: What’s that supposed to mean?
Daughter: He would have rushed me inside and told me “I’m gonna fix you up!” And just been really…manly!
Soul mates (2014):
Daughter: Mom, what’s a soul mate?
Me: Someone who’s perfect for you. Who you belong with. For instance, Papa and I are soul mates.
Daughter: Do you have to be married?
Me: Not necessarily. Are you talking about this new friend you made at school? You get too wrapped up in your classmates. You’ve only been friends for one day!
Daughter: Nuh, uh! We’ve been friends for TWO days! That’s like forever!
My husband and I were watching Naked and Afraid on the Discovery channel while she was upstairs. She comes downstairs just in time to hear the female participant say “These mosquitoes are eating my vajayjay alive!!” (2014):
Daughter: Who is Mama Jay Jay and why are the mosquitoes eating her alive?
Smartphones can solve anything (2012):
Daughter: Jessica invited me to a tea party.
Dad: When?
Daughter: Today.
Dad: Where?
Daughter: At her house.
Dad: Which is where?
Daughter: She lives in Ohio.
Dad: Address?
Daughter: I don’t know, she lives in Ohio. Look it up on your phone.
Early morning. I’m sound asleep. I wake up to a squeaky, falsetto voice and a monkey puppet 1 inch from my face (2011):
Daughter: Do you like unicorns and glitter?
I was getting dressed and she comes into the bathroom (a few years ago, date unknown):
Daughter: Mom, your stomach always looks so happy!
Me: Huh? What do you mean?
Daughter: Because it’s always smiling at me! (Points to my C-section scar)
Me: (Speechless)
I was about 6 months pregnant and tired of wearing maternity clothes, so I wore an old shirt (2015):
Daughter: Is that shirt new?
Me: No, you’ve seen me in it plenty of times before I got pregnant.
Daughter: Well, it doesn’t fit you anymore! You shouldn’t wear it again while you’re pregnant. (giggles)
Me: Yeah, you’re probably right.
Daughter: It’s way too small for you. It looks like you’re wearing a kid’s shirt.
Me: Ok, point taken.
Daughter: It’s so tight, it looks like it’s gonna tear! And your belly is sticking out!
Me: Alright! I got it already! Geez!
Jesus and Mom, BFFs? (2013):
Daughter: What was your favorite Halloween costume as a kid?
Me: I don’t remember. I think most of them were pretty lame.
Daughter: Maybe they didn’t have costumes waaaaay back then. It was a long time ago. How did people take showers and stuff?
Me: What? I wasn’t born in the Stone Age! We had indoor plumbing!
Daughter: Uh, no. I mean when Jesus was around.
(I don’t know how we got from my childhood to biblical times. Or does she think I walked the earth with Jesus in my youth? I don’t think I want to know the answer…)
After hearing my name called almost non-stop by her, I finally crack (2011):
Me: How many times do I have to hear “mom” today??
Daughter: (pauses) Um…mother?
She was saying grace before dinner (2012):
Daughter: Dear Jesus, thank you for this food. And I hope you feel better. Amen.
Me: (Confused) Is Jesus sick?
Daughter: (big sigh) Well yeah! He died!
Random conversation (2012):
Daughter: Mom, I’m not afraid of anything.
Me: That’s good.
Daughter: Except for talking vegetables.
Me: Yeah, me too.
(Sometimes, you just go with it…)
And a Dad quote thrown in for good measure.
On our way to a connecting flight in Chicago, we circled over the icy waters of Lake Michigan for 30-40 minutes because of back ups at O’Hare airport. I hate flying and I began to have panic attacks about crashing and drowning in the waters below. He grabs my hand and I anticipated comforting words about how everything would be ok (2014):
Hubby: Don’t worry. That water is so cold, you will probably just tense up, take one final breath and die quickly.
Me: (Speechless)
