Funny Stuff My Kids Say
My children are just a goldmine of gems when it comes to the things they say. In my previous posting on this topic, Funny Stuff My Daughter Says, I had to leave my toddler out, because he wasn’t saying a whole lot at the time. But times have changed! And as he continues to get older, he has proven to be just as comical and random as my daughter. Here are more of the funniest things my children have said.
The Poop Diaries (2015):
Me: Why are you crying? What’s the matter?
Toddler: I can’t boo boo on my yogurt!!
He was trying to sit on his fake yogurt and pretend to go potty.
Bends down in front of his sister’s face after he poops in his pants.
Toddler: Smell my boo boo!!
Daughter: Aw, come on!
Looks down while using the toilet.
Toddler: Whoa, that’s a lot of crap!!
He’s got things to do…
Dad: Pull your pants down so you can go potty.
Toddler: No! I don’t want to!
Dad: Just hurry up and pull your pants down!
Toddler: (starts to undress) Ugh! I don’t have time for this!!
While in the furniture store, he sees a woman with her back turned (2015):
Toddler: That’s her butt right there. (points)
Dad: (in a whisper) Yes, it is. Sshh…
Toddler: I’m going to touch her butt.
Dad: No you are not!
Potty Mouth (2015):
Toddler picks up a piece of fuzz.
Toddler: Stop saying “what the hell” garbage! Mom, the garbage is cussing!
Taking a walk outside.
Toddler: What’s that?
Me: It’s a moth.
Toddler: Stop saying “what the hell” moth! I’m going to put you in timeout!
While eating lunch.
Toddler: What the hell! Stop saying “what the hell!” I told my own self to stop cussing, mom!
Me: It still counts as cussing even if you discipline yourself. Now knock it off!
The 8-year-old talking to the dog about meeting potential new doggie boyfriends in the neighborhood (2015):
Daughter: You want some hot, Spanish Mexican doggies?
Life Lessons During Dinner (2015):
Daughter: What is a chicken breast?
Dad: It’s the breast of a chicken.
Daughter: Breasts?? (Giggles)
Dad: Chickens have breasts, your mom has breasts, everything has breasts.
Daughter: Wow, that chicken has breasts bigger than mom’s!!
(I’ll be needing therapy now…)
My son has been ruled by his belly and obsessed with food since he could talk. One of his earliest words was “eat.” (2014):
Toddler: Eat?
Me: It’s not time.
Toddler: Aht?
Me: No.
Toddler: Ooot?
Me: Really? Wait, when did you learn vowel sounds? I’m impressed!
Let’s Negotiate (2014)
Toddler: Eat?
Me: No, you just ate.
Toddler: Snack?
Me: No.
Toddler: Milk?
Me: Not now.
Toddler: Juice?
Me: Ugh! Fine! Now let me have some peace!
Toddler: Yeeessss!!
Brotherly Love? (2015)
Toddler: I’m hungry!
Me: I can’t help you right now. I’m feeding the baby.
Toddler: (face gets serious) Put him down. NOW!
The dog is eating her food. My son starts wailing.
Me: Why are you upset?
Toddler: I want dog food!!
It’s Over (2015):
Toddler: Go on, piece of garbage! I don’t love you anymore!!
(Have I been watching too many soaps?)
The Cable Guy (2015):
The cable guy dropped something on the floor. My son finds it and picks it up to hand it to him.
Cable Guy: Oh, what do you have there?
Toddler: Crap!
Stranger Danger (2010):
Daughter: Mom, let’s go outside and play ball. Please?!?
Me: Why don’t you go play by yourself for a while? (I intended to watch her from the window.)
Daughter: I can’t! People will snatch me!!
(Stranger Danger training in full effect. Made me proud.)
The Enforcer (2015):
I was talking to my daughter about a behavior I wanted her to stop. As I finished the discussion:
Toddler: Now, go to your room!!
Healthy Living (2015):
Daughter: Mom! I just heard on Good Morning America that cereal adds years to your life! That’s why I need to eat it more often!
Me: Uh, somehow I don’t think Froot Loops qualifies…
Daughter: Awww…
Smooth Operator (2015):
Me: Why do you have a jacket on and zipped up like that? You aren’t going anywhere?
Toddler: I gotta go get the honeys.
Me: (Sigh) What has your father been teaching you?
Dollars and Cents (2015):
Me: If Jack has 3 Quarters, how much does he have?
Daughter: Um, I think it’s 74 cents?
Me: What did I say 3 Quarters equals?
Daughter: 75 cents.
Me: So you think I’m wrong and can’t count change at my age?
(crickets chirping)
Me: Well?
Daughter: I just think it’s still 74 cents.
Daughter’s first day folding laundry (2015):
Don’t you think it should be illegal to fold your father’s underwear?
Twerking (2015):
Daughter: I will never twerk!
Me: Good! I’m glad to hear that!
Daughter: Yeah, cuz I don’t have the meat on my booty to do that. You need a lot of meat.
Black or White (2014):
My husband thought my Christmas Village was missing something personal, so to my surprise, he added the Village Library. When he said I was the official librarian of this new addition, my daughter looked inside, saw the lady sitting at the desk and said “But you’re not white!”
Identity Crisis (2015):
Daughter: Mom, I think I’m actually Italian.
Me: Uh, why do you think that?
Daughter: Because I love Fettuccine Alfredo so much! How else do you explain it?
