How Not To Raise An A-Hole In 10 Easy Steps

If you haven’t heard the story by now, some seniors at Desert Vista High School in Arizona thought it would be totally funny to spell out a racial slur after posing for a class picture. We all know this is absolutely unacceptable and not just an innocent high school prank. Right? Right?!? Well much to my shock and dismay, the comments and opinions on this incident were not what I expected. Typical responses were: “Aw, they’re just kids. They didn’t know any better!” “Haven’t you ever made a youthful mistake? It’s not a big deal!” “Black people use this word every day in rap music. Why can’t they?” And the kicker of them all? “Everyone is just too darn oversensitive these days!” (Which is really easy to say when the slur was not directed at you.) These dismissive comments were from adult members of this community and across the country. Very likely parents of some of the kids going to the same high school as the a-holes in question.

Are these girls racist or just stupid? I don’t know. Maybe a little bit of both. At 17-18 years old and about to graduate, they are certainly old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. I’m not going to outright blame the parents, because maybe they did the best they could and these little gems just didn’t get the message. It happens all the time. But sometimes we as parents drop the ball and release into the world some of the finest a-holes you’ve ever seen. Here are 10 ways to (hopefully) avoid raising the next generation of a-holes.

1.Demand Respect: This household’s motto: Do what you’re told, when you’re told, how you’re told. I’m sorry, there is no room for discussion and debate in certain circumstances. Yes, I want my kids to learn to speak their minds, but there is a time and a place for that. If a child doesn’t respect their parents, they certainly will not have respect for their peers or others in authority. As I tell my 9-year-old all the time: Try this constant debating and talking back with your future boss and see how long you keep your job. And no, you can not come live with me.

2. Don’t Let Your Kid Get Away With Being A Bully: It is not funny or cute for a kid to be mean, intimidate or be a bully to someone else. It is not a sign of toughness. They are just being jerks. And don’t expect them to simply grow out of it, especially if left unchecked. That 12-year-old bully will one day become a 30-year-old bully and the consequences could be much more serious.

3. Make Them Take Responsibility For Their Actions: Household motto: You do the crime, you do the time. Parents (including myself) are often guilty of making excuses for their children’s behavior. Being sorry is a good thing. I think children should apologize when appropriate. But just because they are sorry doesn’t absolve them from the consequences of their actions.  Especially in the real world.

4. Give Them Responsibilities: Household motto: You have to work for what you want. You want an allowance, do some chores. You want a dog, clean up the poo and walk it. Nothing in life will be handed to anyone for free. Unless you are royalty. I’m sure Prince George and Princess Charlotte (the children of William and Kate) would disagree. But last I checked, I am just a commoner, so I must prepare my offspring to have a regular life full of bloody chores and mortgages.

5. Remind Them Who’s Boss: Household motto: I am the parent. You are the child. I laugh when I hear parents saying “my 6-year-old has a cell phone because he wouldn’t stop begging me for it” or “I didn’t want to do this or that, but junior always gets his way…” Um, no. I control what my children watch. Where they go. Who they hang out with. How much time they spend on electronic devices. They do not get to dictate how this house is run or the way I parent them. When they get out on their own, they can do what they want.

6. Build Up Their Self-Esteem: Children who have low self-esteem typically look to others for validation and their self-worth. Young people sometimes seek to feel better about themselves by hanging with the wrong crowd just to be popular, doing drugs and alcohol to fit in, or feeling that sex is necessary to get attention or affection. We need to encourage our children more than criticize, lift them up and help them to realize what amazing people they are.

7. Teach Them Humility: Household motto: No one owes you anything. We want our kids to feel good about themselves, but they need to have realistic expectations. They won’t always be the best. And that’s ok. Sometimes you fail at things. Despite the new “everyone gets a trophy” trend, that isn’t realistic for adulthood. You don’t always get the promotion just because you wanted it. You don’t always get the girl just because you liked her. Children need to learn to excel at what they can and know their weaknesses. If they aren’t good at something, there’s no need to pout and throw fits. Just help them find something they are good at.

8. Be An Example To Your Children: You can’t expect your kids to be any better than you are. They listen. They watch. They absorb. Children parrot the behavior of their parents. You don’t want them to smoke? You don’t smoke. You want them to be respectful to other people? Don’t let them see you being a tool to the waiter at the restaurant. I try to be the person I would want my kids to be. Knowing I have impressionable little people watching me all the time makes me a much better person.

9. Teach Them To Be Kind: Household motto: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. My daughter has a classmate that is in a wheelchair. She often calls him “the boy in the wheelchair.” I make her say his name. He is more than his disability. I encourage her to be friends with people who may be outsiders or who appear to be lonely. I make my kids treat each other with respect and kindness. I hope in some way I am instilling warmth and love in my children and that they will in turn attract the same to themselves.

10. Help Them To Appreciate Themselves As Individuals: Kids want to be liked. They want to fit in with their peers. They sometimes lose their own identity and uniqueness because they just want to be like everyone else. Children need constant encouragement to stand out from the crowd. They need to hear this everyday: “Be yourself. Like yourself. Love yourself. You are the only one like you. You are special.” I tell my daughter that when she sees someone doing something wrong, to be strong enough and smart enough to say “No, I will not participate in this.” And learn to walk away. Maybe if those high school girls in Arizona had learned this lesson, they wouldn’t have their reputations ruined and be going viral for very wrong reasons.

Featured Image By peagreengirl