Life Isn’t Black And White

Recently the actor Taye Diggs came out with a book entitled Mixed Me, written for his biracial son. He did an interview in promotion of the book where he stated that he wanted his son to be described as mixed, not just black, because it would be disrespectful to his mother’s white heritage. I saw nothing offensive about what he said and frankly I agree with it. However, I couldn’t believe the comments I was reading in response to his interview. People were saying he had “self hate issues” and “Somebody tell Taye Diggs Black man + white lady = black baby, that’s just how it is, bro.”

This all goes back to the “one-drop rule” made into law in the 20th century to eliminate the potential for fair-skinned blacks to “pass” as white. It asserted that any person with even one ancestor of African descent, who had one drop of black blood, was to be considered Black. Based on the flak that Taye Diggs received for refusing to define his son this way, it appears that we as a society are still holding on to that rule.

My sons are half black, half white. I too consider them biracial, or “mixed.” I do not plan to raise them to identify themselves as black men. If they choose to do so on their own, I will accept that. Barack Obama, for example, was born to a white mother and has a father of Kenyan descent.  He considers himself a black man. He once said to Charlie Rose: “If I’m outside your building trying to catch a cab, they’re not saying, ‘Oh, there’s a mixed-race guy.’”

However, Tiger Woods made up the word Cablinasian to describe his ethnicity. He is a mixture of Caucasian, Black, American Indian, and Asian. When asked by Oprah Winfrey if it bothered Tiger to be called African-American, he replied, “It does…I’m just who I am, whoever you see in front of you.” Some in the black community were upset by what they considered his distancing of himself from his blackness. He was, after all the first African-American golfer to win the Masters. Or was he? And who gets to choose what ethnicity a person identifies with?

So what will I tell my sons about themselves?

I will tell them that they are biracial. I want them to embrace the different cultures and ethnicities that are a part of them. German, Norwegian, African-American, Scottish, a little bit of Irish. They are all of that. They shouldn’t have to choose which one they are.

But although they are of blended heritage and I acknowledge all of it, I will also tell them that the world in general will most likely see them as black men. It doesn’t matter how fine their hair is, or how light their skin. To many they will always be black. It doesn’t mean that being black is a bad thing or that people will look at that as a negative. But racism is alive and well and they still may face discrimination. But I will also tell them to not think the worst of people. Let people show you their bias and ignorance, don’t assume it.

And although they are equally black and white, I will give them the lessons I would have given black sons on the potential dangers they may encounter: Be mindful when it comes to police. Don’t automatically judge law enforcement by the actions of a dishonorable few. The majority are good officers and are there to keep us safe. But as in any profession, there are always the bad apples, and unfortunately the few bad ones carry guns. If you’re stopped, just do what you’re told, when you’re told. Don’t mouth off. And most importantly stay out of trouble. Like it or not, this is what black parents have to teach their sons (and daughters).

I will also teach them that race shouldn’t define a person. Just live your life. Be a good person. It doesn’t matter how other people see you. All that matters is how you see yourself. When they walk through my doors, they will know that all they have to be are my loving sons. Not a color or ethnicity.

No matter how much time passes or how evolved we become, it seems we will always live in a world where color still matters. I used to get so annoyed when my husband would say that he understood a lot more of what it’s like to be black since being married to me. All I could think was that he will never know what it feels like to have someone tell you how impressed they are that you are so articulate and well-spoken. Because apparently black folks only know Ebonics. Or what it feels like when you’re trying to do your job and someone refuses to let you help them and would rather wait an hour for someone else to assist them. Anyone else. And by the look they are giving you, you know exactly why. And no, he will never know how it feels when people assume every promotion you get is because of some quota that a company needed to meet, not because of your skills or worthiness.

But as my husband reminded me, he too now has to worry about things that I have always been aware of. Like choosing carefully what city or neighborhood we move into and wondering whether or not it will be welcoming to an interracial/black family. He gets the same looks and attention as I do when we are out together at certain places. He too worries about the safety and well being of our sons walking while “black” one day down the street. He was there when we went trick or treating and one of the neighbors said to our son: “Here, take an extra dark chocolate for your dad. I bet he loves dark chocolate.”  In his own way, my husband gets it.

I never thought I would have to deal with some of the things I’m facing now. I thankfully haven’t had too many negative experiences and I pray that my children don’t either. I know that I can’t control the world, but I can control how I send my children out into it. I’m more concerned about raising strong, happy and well adjusted boys (and a girl), then about raising them to be black or white or to meet the world’s expectations of them. And I will not make or encourage them to choose what color to be, even if society does. In fact, I think I’ll go get a copy of Mixed Me and show my support of just being the beautiful, biracial children that they are.

Featured Image by AK Rockefeller