New Year’s Eve When You’re Married With Kids

7:00pm:

Me: Wooh! 5 hours til the New Year! Aren’t you excited, guys!?!

Kid 1: Yeah!! (Screams with glee, has no idea what’s going on.)

Kid 2: Cool! So, what are we doing tonight?? Are we gonna have a party??

Me: Uh, sure. (rushes to make popcorn and throw on a kids show)

8:00pm:

Me: 4 hours to go!

Kid 1: Yawn…I’m hungry!

Me: You just ate. No more food.

Kid 2: I’m bored. Can we play a game?

Me: Yes! Let’s play the quiet game! You can’t talk for the rest of the night or you lose!!

Kid 2: I’m so gonna win!

Me: Ssshh!!

Husband: Is it midnight yet?

8:30pm:

Kid 1: Waaahh!!!

Me: Why are you crying??

Kid 1: I don’t know!!

Kid 2: When do we get sparkling cider? What’s next? I wanna party all night!!

Husband: Sigh…Yawn…

Me: Don’t you dare go to sleep! We are staying up until midnight!

Husband: Why does it matter? It’s just another day…at least send the kids to bed.

Me: Yeah, I am kind of over it.

8:45pm: (total chaos)

Me (to kid 1:) Hey, it’s almost midnight! (turns on Netflix’s fake New Year’s Eve countdown).  Look!! 10, 9, 8, 7, 6…

Kid 2: It’s not even close to midnight, mom!

Me: Shut it! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…Happy New Year!! Welp, time for bed!

Kid 1: I don’t wanna go to bed…waaahhh!!!

Husband: But New Year’s Eve is over!

Kid 1: No, it’s not!!!

Me: Let’s go potty and go to bed!

Kid 1: Noooooo!!!!

Kid 2: I don’t have to go to bed too, do I?

Me: Sigh…no. Of course not…

9:00pm: 

Me: Let’s watch Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve!

Husband: Isn’t he dead?

Me: So. It’s still called that…

Husband: Do we have to watch this? Can’t we watch a movie or something?

Me: No! It’s tradition! Besides, I don’t think Lethal Weapon is kid friendly…

Husband: Who are these lip-syncing losers?

Me: I don’t know. (to kid 2: Who are these people?)

Kid 2: Oh, that’s (insert biggest pop star names)

Husband: Joy…

Kid 2: Now what can we do? Can I have some more cider?

Me: No, I don’t want you peeing all night.

Kid 2: I’m bored…

Husband: Good, then go to bed!

9:30pm:

Me: Yawn…

Husband: What happened to staying up til midnight??

Me: I’m wide awake! Don’t you worry.

Kid 2: (bouncing off the walls)

Me: Wow, it’s like, totally 11:55 already! Almost the new year!!

Kid 2: No, it’s not! It’s only 9:30. I can tell time now.

Me: Ok, truth is, I’m ready for you to go to bed. I need some down time. You must go now.

Kid 2: (starts to cry) Why???!? I’m not a baby! Why can’t I stay up?

Husband: Because we said so. Be happy you got to stay up a little later. We don’t want you to be a total spaz tomorrow!

Kid 2: Waahhh!!

Me: Oh, my god…Ok, look. I’ll wake you up at midnight. You won’t miss a thing, ok?

Kid 2: (sniff, sniff) Ok…

9:32pm:

Husband: Are you really going to wake her up at midnight?

Me: Heck, no. I just said that to get her out of here.

Husband: Heh…

9:45pm:

Husband: Zzzzz

Me: Wake up.

10:00pm:

Me: Zzzzz

Husband: Ahem…party animal. You’re missing your New Year’s Rockin’ Eve crap.

10:30pm:

Me: Is it midnight yet? We are totally going to hate life tomorrow. The baby is still going to wake up at 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning. I need caffeine…

Husband: Hey, this was your idea.

11:00pm:

Husband: Zzzzz

Me: Zzzzz

11:30pm:

Me: God, just come on already. I’m so over it!!!

Husband: (Doodling on phone)

Me: This is not romantic at all…

11:45pm:

Me: (Checking Facebook)

Husband: (Checking Facebook)

11:59pm:

Me: Oh my god! We made it!! 10, 9, 8, 7…

Husband: You are such a dork!

Me: 4,3,2,1…Happy New Year!!

Husband: Happy New Year (dryly). Great…can we go to bed now?

Me: Yeah, that was so not worth it….Did I mention we are gonna hate life in the morning??