Horrible Nursery Rhymes From A Modern Day Perspective

Nursery rhymes are a childhood staple. Studies have shown that they even make children better readers. They are cute, catchy and fun to recite. But have you ever noticed how dark many nursery rhymes are? They are often filled with bad parenting, violence, and overreactions to simple misdeeds. This content would never see the light of day if someone wrote these rhymes now. Or at the very least be protested and deemed politically incorrect. Let’s take a closer look at some of these rhymes, from a more PC, modern point of view.

Rock-a-bye Baby

Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows
The cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks,
The cradle will fall,
And down will come baby,
Cradle and all.

First of all, why is a baby swinging from a tree branch? Who does that? That is just dangerous and irresponsible. Now the cradle is going to come crashing to the ground, bringing the poor baby with it. Somebody call Child Protective Services please! This mother needs mandatory parenting classes and supervised visits for awhile!

The Queen of Hearts 

The Queen of Hearts
She made some tarts,
All on a summer’s day;
The Knave of Hearts
He stole those tarts,
And took them clean away.

The King of Hearts
Called for the tarts,
And beat the knave full sore;
The Knave of Hearts
Brought back the tarts,
And vowed he’d steal no more.

Ok, I get it. The Queen made some of her world famous, delicious tarts. The smell was almost too much to bear as the King anxiously awaited them. He had his napkin tucked into his royal robe; fork in hand. And then he discovered they had been stolen, never to touch his lips. Total bummer. But he didn’t have to give the Knave of Hearts a beatdown over some tarts! A stern lecture and a warning would have sufficed. I’m thinking His Majesty needs a little anger management. However, I guess my children now know what happens when you get caught stealing, amiright?

Georgie Porgie

Georgie Porgie, Puddin’ and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
When the boys came out to play
Georgie Porgie ran away.

Sexual harassment!  This kid is trouble. He needs detention and to see a counselor before he winds up with a lawsuit when he’s 30…

Jack Sprat 

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so between them both, you see,
They licked the platter clean.

Licking platters clean sounds like they may have an unhealthy relationship with food. A Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers program would do them good. It would also behoove them to figure out why they seek comfort from food instead of each other.

There Was An Old Woman 

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do;
She gave them some broth without any bread;
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

Why did this woman keep having children that she couldn’t take care of? And they certainly didn’t deserve to be whipped before getting sent to bed! It’s not their fault she was irresponsible and expected the state to take care of her. Once again, another call to Child Protective Services is needed. We can’t have this family living in a shoe with an angry mother taking out her misplaced rage on the children. And where is the father(s) of all these children. The woman should have gotten an order for child support. The dad is obviously a deadbeat.

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife but couldn’t keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had another and didn’t love her;
Peter learned to read and spell,
And then he loved her very well

So this bastard Peter decided that since his wife was leaving him (probably because he couldn’t read or spell), that he was going to hold her hostage. If he can’t have her, no one can! This is kidnapping! And then he just went on with his life and fell in love again like nothing happened. Arrest this man! And his new woman too. You know she knew about it…

Goosey Goosey Gander

Goosey goosey gander,
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs
And in my lady’s chamber.
There I met an old man
Who wouldn’t say his prayers,
So I took him by his left leg
And threw him down the stairs

Maybe the old man was an atheist. Or he didn’t feel like praying that day. This is religious intolerance at its finest! Not to mention assault and abuse of an elder! Throw the book at this violent creep!

Rub-a-Dub-Dub

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a tub,
And who do you think they were?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick-maker,
They all sailed out to sea,
‘Twas enough to make a man stare.

However the original version has three ladies (of the night?):

Hey! rub-a-dub, ho! rub-a-dub, three maids in a tub,
And who do you think were there?
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker,
And all of them gone to the fair.

Three dudes or three chicks…Either way, what the fudge is going on here? Why are three grown adults in a tub together? Word on the street is that there was a tawdry sideshow going on at a local fair…Ah, yes. This makes a perfect nursery rhyme for children!!