The Girl Who Cried Wolf – (My Fake Sick Child)

My 8-year-old went to the nurse’s office last week because she had developed red patches on her arms. Thankfully, it turned out to be harmless but she tells the nurse, “My mom is going to be mad at me for coming here.” I’m sure puppy dog eyes accompanied this sob story as she painted me as some bad mom who has forbidden medical treatment for her child. They probably think I’m in some cult or something. What she “forgot” to mention is that mom only gets mad when she goes to the nurse’s office under less than honest circumstances.

My child has decided that this school year, she will make it her personal mission to be sent home from school at least once a week. No, my daughter is not a sickly child. She is a faker.

It all starts with “the cough”. She has learned to master the loudest, hardest, most awful hacking cough that could ever come from such a little body. This usually progresses into the weak, shaky voice. And then the sad face that is one second shy of becoming a smirk (if you look too long).

I used to fall for this routine. Every stinking time. Funny enough, she’d always magically recover shortly after getting sent home from school. The coughing stopped and within an hour, she suddenly had enough energy to play and run around. As my suspicions rose, I started to detect a pattern and soon figured out some of the reasons she would fake being sick.

She Doesn’t Like Gym

The night before, she would mention how much she was dreading some new thing going on in gym class and how she wasn’t looking forward to it. I’m assuming it involved movement. Maybe even breaking a sweat. The next day: a call from the nurse. Coincidentally right before gym. Shocker.

Dad is Working From Home

If she knows dad will not be going into the office that day, she’d get sick. Cough, cough.

It’s Friday 

Well, duh! Who doesn’t want a 3-day weekend!

She Likes the Sympathy

She has mastered the pathetic sick look so well that she will have everyone at school feeling sorry for her. When I would come to the school to get her, I’d hear her hacking as soon as I’d open the door. The nurse would tell me how bad this poor girl looked and felt and even the receptionist would give her a “poor baby” as we left out.

Of course I would take her home and baby her. ”Oh, no! Let me get you some tea with honey!” I’d say. I’d get her on the couch and cover her up. Make her some chicken soup. Cook her favorite meal. Heck, I’d probably fake being sick too with all that fawning over she was getting.

She Knows She Can Make Me Come Get Her…Or Else

After I figured out she fakes most of her illnesses, I started giving her warnings before school if I sensed any triggers that would encourage this nonsense. Even then, I would still get the dreaded call from the nurse saying how sick she was an hour after I dropped her off. She was fine that morning! Why does she keep doing this to me!

Not convinced of her “illness”, I would request for her to stay there and just rest for awhile and see if she would improve (I was actually hoping this extra time would make my child rethink this trickery). I didn’t want to tell the nurse that my daughter was a fraud, just in case this was the one time she was actually sick. A couple hours later, I would usually get another call with a “she’s on death’s door and getting worse” report. Now I felt pressured to pick her up or risk looking like an uncaring, heartless mother who doesn’t care about her sick child. And sure enough, she gets home and she’s fine again! Why you little…

There’s a Test

She doesn’t like tests. She doesn’t realize that the test she’s trying to avoid will be waiting for her when she comes back. 8-year-olds aren’t always that sharp.

Her Friends Do It

After 5-6 early departures within the first few months of school (and that doesn’t count the few times I “missed” the call), I told her this was not acceptable. I knew what was going on and to knock it off. She actually said that she wasn’t faking, but even if she was, one of her friends goes to the nurse like every day. And another friend goes a couple of times a week. So basically I should be happy she doesn’t do it that often! Really? Did these kids get together and decide to form the Fake Sick Girls Club? Since she had basically told on herself, my doubts were completely over and it was time to end this.

She now knows that if she insists on getting sent home from school because of an illness that I deem to be phony, she will come home and immediately go straight to her room and stay in bed for the rest of the day. Sick people need to lie down and rest after all. No playing. No hanging out downstairs with the family. No watching tv. Just straight to a boring bed. Suddenly, her “illnesses” have dramatically decreased. She hasn’t completely stopped her Oscar winning performances, but she’s starting to realize the risk isn’t so worth it now that she’s doomed to a day of lonely boredom.

Wanting her to know the potential seriousness of her deception, I once told her of the Boy Who Cried Wolf story. “You’ve cried wolf so many times, if you really are sick, now I won’t believe you”, I told her. She looked at me and said “Nuh, uh! I don’t cry like a wolf! I don’t even know what a wolf sounds like!” God help me. I need a drink.